Most folks know what it feels like to be let down or abandoned by someone else. But there’s another kind of abandonment that often goes unnoticed: abandoning yourself.
Self-abandonment happens when you ignore your own needs, push away your feelings, or constantly put other people first. You might go along with things you don’t really want, stay quiet when something bothers you, or push yourself far past your limits because being needed is the only way to feel loved.
From the outside, it can look like you’re easygoing, dependable, and good at taking care of others, but on the inside, it can feel lonely and exhausting—like your own needs always come last or should not even be met.
Many folks don’t even realize they’re doing this. These patterns usually build slowly over time and often started as a way to get through difficult situations. The good news is that they aren’t permanent. Folks can work through and change these habits, and EMDR therapy is one approach that can help with that.
What Self-Abandonment Looks Like
Self-abandonment isn’t always obvious but often shows up in everyday situations. You might notice things like:
- Saying yes when you really want to say no
- Worrying a lot about disappointing people
- Feeling responsible for everyone else’s emotions
- Ignoring your own limits until you’re burned out
- Struggling to know what you actually want
- Feeling guilty when you put yourself first
- Staying in relationships or situations that don’t feel good
A lot of folks who struggle with this are thoughtful and caring. They’re very aware of other people’s feelings, but the problem is that they’ve learned to ignore their own.
How These Patterns Start
Most of the time, self-abandonment doesn’t just appear out of nowhere but usually starts with earlier experiences. Maybe growing up you felt like your emotions were “too much,” or you were expected to keep the peace in your family. Maybe when you spoke up you were criticized, brushed off, or ignored. Over time, you may have learned that being easygoing, helpful, or quiet made things go more smoothly.
After a while, your brain picks up on a pattern: it feels safer to focus on everyone else. You start reading the room before you say anything. You push your own needs aside and make sure everyone else is okay first. At the time, these habits probably helped you get through tough situations and avoid conflict. But years later, those same habits can make it harder to stay connected to what you feel and need.
Why It Can Be Hard to Change
A lot of folks already see these patterns in themselves. They might read about setting boundaries, listen to podcasts about self-worth, or remind themselves that their needs matter too. But when real situations come up, the old reactions can still kick in automatically. You might find yourself apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong, agreeing to something before you’ve even had time to think about it, or brushing off your own feelings because someone else is upset. This happens because these reactions are more like habits your brain learned a long time ago, not just thoughts you can easily change. That’s why simply understanding the pattern doesn’t always make it go away and why approaches like EMDR therapy can be helpful.
How EMDR Therapy Helps
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s a therapy that helps your brain process experiences that are still affecting how you feel and react today. Instead of only talking about current struggles, EMDR helps you work through the earlier moments that still impact you and your reactions today. For example, many people who struggle with self-abandonment had experiences where:
- Their emotions were dismissed
- They felt responsible for someone else’s wellbeing
- They were bullied or excluded
- They were criticized for speaking up
- They felt like love depended on being “good” or helpful
Even experiences that seem small now can have a lasting impact, especially if they happened again and again. EMDR helps the brain go back to those memories and process them so they don’t feel as stuck and impact you in the same way. As that happens, the beliefs that formed around those experiences can start to change.
Someone who grew up feeling like their needs were a problem might carry a belief like:
“I’m asking for too much.”
As those memories are processed, that belief can slowly change into something more balanced, like:
“My needs matter too.”
This change doesn’t come from forcing yourself to think differently. It happens as the brain works through old experiences and realizes that the past is over. EMDR helps to get to the root of abandonment struggles and fears.
What Healing Self-Abandonment Looks Like
Healing self-abandonment doesn’t mean you suddenly stop caring about other people or that you become more selfish. Instead, it’s about learning how to care about yourself and others at the same time.
As folks work through these patterns, they often notice changes like:
- Being more aware of their feelings
- Taking a moment before automatically saying yes
- Setting small boundaries without as much guilt
- Recognizing when something doesn’t feel right
- Feeling clearer about what they want
- Experiencing relationships that feel more balanced
One of the biggest changes is internal. Instead of constantly worrying about how others feel about you, there’s more room to listen to your own needs and feelings.
Learning to Stay With Yourself
A big part of this process is learning to pay attention to yourself again. For many, that can feel unfamiliar—especially if you’ve spent years focused on everyone else’s needs and feelings. It often starts with small moments: pausing before automatically saying yes, noticing you’re tired and letting yourself rest, admitting to yourself that something hurt instead of brushing it off, or speaking up in a conversation even if it feels uncomfortable. These moments might seem small, but they add up. Over time, they help you get better at listening to yourself and not pushing your own needs aside.
If this sounds familiar, you’re definitely not alone. Many folks learned early on that keeping relationships smooth and free of conflict meant putting their own needs and feelings aside. That wasn’t something wrong with you—it was simply how you learned to handle the situations around you. The good news is those habits don’t have to stay the same forever. EMDR therapy can help you work through the experiences that led to these patterns so you can start treating yourself differently. The changes usually happen little by little. Over time, you find yourself listening to your own needs more, speaking up a bit easier, and taking care of yourself in ways you used to only do for others. If you’re interested in trying EMDR and want to see if it could be a good fit for you, reach out the EMDR Center of Denver to schedule a free consultation today.
More research on EMDR for self-abandonment:
Enhancing Self-Belief with EMDR: Developing a Sense of Mastery in the Early Phase of Treatment
The Impact of Complex PTSD and Attachment Issues on Personal Health: An EMDR Therapy Approach
Gessica Cross, LCSW
Gessica Cross has helped people find greater joy and healing from prior trauma, anxiety, and depression, as well as processing grief and life transitions. She is formally trained in EMDR and graduated with a Master’s in Social Work from the University of Illinois with honors. She moved to Colorado after completing a post-graduate fellowship in India in which she provided pro bono work among survivors of kidnapping, abduction, and human slavery. She has specialized in helping people recover from situations of trauma, depression, and anxiety for the last ten years. She is excited to work with you!