Narcissistic abuse can be difficult to identify and really get in your head. Even after it’s over, you might still feel anxious, doubt yourself, or keep going over things that happened. A lot of folks leave these relationships asking, “Was it really that bad?” or “Why do I still feel like this?”
If that sounds like you, you’re not alone, and there’s a real reason it feels this way. One type of therapy that can help is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).
What Narcissistic Abuse Actually Feels Like
Narcissistic abuse can present as physical abuse, but a lot of the time it isn’t always obvious, like emotional or psychological abuse. It’s often a pattern of small, repeated things that add up over time.
It can look like:
- Being told you’re wrong when you’re not, or frequent criticisms
- Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells
- Getting blamed for things that aren’t your fault
- Being praised one minute and criticized the next
- Feeling like your needs are “too much”
Over time, this can wear you down and lead to a lot of self-doubt. You might start doubting yourself, holding back your feelings, or constantly trying to keep the peace.
Why It Sticks With You
A lot of folks expect that once the relationship ends, they’ll just “move on.” Your brain learned from those experiences, so it’s not always that simple to just move on.
If you were constantly second-guessed, your brain may have learned: “I can’t trust myself.”
If your needs were ignored, it may have learned: “My needs don’t matter.”
These patterns don’t just disappear overnight. They can show up as:
- Overthinking everything
- Feeling on edge or easily triggered
- Second-guessing your decisions
- Feeling stuck in shame or self-blame
It’s not that you’re weak—it’s that your brain adapted to what you went through.
How does EMDR work?
EMDR, or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, works by helping your brain process experiences that didn’t fully get worked through at the time. When something overwhelming happens, your brain doesn’t always store it properly, which is why certain memories can still feel intense or close to the surface long after them.
In an EMDR session, you briefly focus on a specific memory while doing something repetitive called bilateral stimulation, like moving your eyes back and forth or tapping. This helps activate your brain’s natural processing system. Instead of staying stuck, the memory starts to shift and become less overwhelming.
Over time, the emotional intensity fades, and the meaning you’ve attached to the experience can change. What once felt heavy or triggering begins to feel more distant and manageable—like something that happened in the past, rather than something you’re still reliving.
Why EMDR Can Help After Narcissistic Abuse
With narcissistic abuse, it’s usually not just one big event but a lot of smaller moments that build over time that shape how you see yourself.
Things like:
- Being dismissed
- Being criticized
- Feeling ignored or unseen
You might walk away with beliefs like:
- “I’m not enough”
- “I’m too much”
- “I can’t trust myself”
- “I have to keep people happy”
EMDR helps you go back to the experiences that created those beliefs and process them so they don’t have the same hold and effect on you.
What the Process Looks Like
EMDR isn’t about diving right into the most difficult memories. Your therapist will move at a pace that feels comfortable and manageable for you. This can look like:
1. Getting Grounded First
You’ll learn ways to calm your body and feel more stable before working on anything deeper.
2. Picking Key Moments
You don’t have to go through everything. You focus on specific memories that represent the bigger pattern.
3. Processing Those Memories
While thinking about a memory, you’ll do back-and-forth movements (like eye movements or tapping). Over time, the memory starts to feel less intense.
4. Things Start to Shift
Without forcing it, your perspective often changes. You might go from
“I’m not enough” → “I did the best I could”
or
“My needs don’t matter” → “My needs actually make sense”
How You Know It’s Working
At first, the changes can be subtle, but over time they really start to add up in meaningful ways. You might notice you’re not as emotionally triggered by things that used to set you off, and situations that once felt overwhelming feel more manageable. You may start trusting your gut more instead of constantly second-guessing yourself, and you might find you’re not over-explaining or trying so hard to be understood. There’s often a growing sense of clarity about what you’re okay with and what you’re not, along with stronger boundaries. You may also stop feeling responsible for other people’s reactions or emotions. It’s not about becoming a completely different person. It’s more about feeling grounded, steady, and like yourself again.
Rebuilding Trust in Yourself
One of the hardest parts of narcissistic abuse is how it disconnects you from your own instincts. You might find yourself asking:
- “Am I overreacting?”
- “Was it really that bad?”
- “Why do I still feel stuck?”
EMDR helps by working through the experiences that created that doubt in the first place. As that happens, many folks start to:
- Feel more confident in their thoughts and feelings
- Stop minimizing what they went through
- Set clearer boundaries
- Feel less pulled into unhealthy dynamics
Is EMDR Worth Trying?
EMDR might be a good fit if you feel like:
- You can’t stop overthinking the past
- You doubt yourself more than you used to
- You feel stuck in old emotional patterns
- Talking about it hasn’t fully helped
EMDR isn’t the only option out there, but for a lot of folks, it helps in a way that feels different from traditional talk therapy. Instead of just understanding what happened, it helps your brain actually work through it.
If you’re still feeling the effects of a narcissistic relationship, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong or that you should be “over it” by now. It usually just means your brain is still holding onto experiences it didn’t get a chance to fully process at the time.
EMDR gives your brain a way to finally sort through those experiences so they don’t keep coming up in the same intense or confusing ways. Over time, you might notice less self-doubt, more clarity in your thoughts and decisions, and a stronger sense of trust in yourself. Things that once felt overwhelming can start to feel more manageable, and you may feel more grounded and in control of how you respond. Reach out to the EMDR Center of Denver to schedule a free consultation to determine if EMDR might be a good fit for you.
More research on EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse:
Gessica Cross, LCSW
Gessica Cross has helped people find greater joy and healing from prior trauma, anxiety, and depression, as well as processing grief and life transitions. She is formally trained in EMDR and graduated with a Master’s in Social Work from the University of Illinois with honors. She moved to Colorado after completing a post-graduate fellowship in India in which she provided pro bono work among survivors of kidnapping, abduction, and human slavery. She has specialized in helping people recover from situations of trauma, depression, and anxiety for the last ten years. She is excited to work with you!